MAN DISCOVERS FIRST-HAND WHY WOMEN PREFER CHOCOLATE INSTEAD OF SEX.
I want to tell you a story. Two years ago I gave up sugar. Gave it up. Gave it to God. Got down on my knees and said ‘Help me Lord!!!’
I needed to lose weight, and take control of my health. Did the whole 12 step program thing and turned it over to my Higher Power. I lasted 2 years, OK? One day I was working with this guy I know on a particularly stressful translation and revision contract, and we were on a tight deadline.
I was stuck with this guy in a hot and muggy, dingy basement rooming house with no ventilation, in close quarters, and it was getting late in the day. The guy was starting to get on my nerves. The steam was starting to come out of my ears. Before I committed premeditated homicide, I decided I was going to rectify the situation.
I got into my car and headed for the first available corner store. I purchased a chocolate bar and a Coke, and summarily inhaled both of them. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt all warm and fuzzy and a sort of feeling of release and well-being rushed over me, the type of which one usually experiences after getting an endorphin rush from a particularly awesome orgasm.
I said to myself, with a distinct sense of gratification ‘YES!!!’ It then dawned on me that I now had discovered the secret of why some women prefer chocolate to sex: You have a much greater statistical probability of getting satisfaction from the chocolate bar!!!! Chocolate bars don’t suffer from premature ejaculation, nor are they compelled to pop a little blue pill before getting it on due to erectile dysfunction.
Chocolate bars don’t belch, fart, clear their throat constantly in an annoying way, or chew with their mouths wide open at the supper table. They don’t sit in front of the television set drinking beer, scratching their geebywalickers, as mother was fond of saying, whilst diligently ripping hairs out of their nose.
Chocolate bars don’t leave their dirty laundry strewn across the floor, nor do they continue to insist on drinking out of the milk carton, after you’ve told them a million times not to do so. Chocolate bars don’t blow their noses at the supper table into their paper napkin, nor do they forget to flush the toilet after having heeded the call of Mother Nature. Chocolate bars don’t leave ugly yellow stains around the toilet bowl from having unthinkingly given their equipment a few good shakes before reinserting it into their trousers.
Lastly, chocolate bars don’t need to be flattered with boatloads of blandishments, half of which probably aren’t even true, before they will lift a finger to do something nice for you. They don’t go through andropause either and become irritable.
I tell ya, if chocolate bars came with a dental plan and a pension, there’d probably be a lot of us guys who’d be up the creek without a paddle in short order!!! Maybe we should all turn ourselves into chocolate men, like in that Axe body care commercial for chocolate-scented underarm deodorant. We’d all have instant sex appeal, and the gals wouldn’t be able to get enough of us!!!
Problem is, we’d get eaten alive in no time, and there’d be nobody left to mow the lawn and fix the leaky faucets!!! Well, it was just a thought. So at least next time you see some woman with a T-shirt that says something to the effect of ‘Will trade husband for chocolate’, at least you’ll know where she’s coming from. I know I do!!!