The Demise of the Hollywood Date Movie

THE DEMISE OF THE HOLLYWOOD DATE MOVIE: BALL-SLASHER BABES IN BODY SUITS PACKING HEAT DON’T MAKE FOR GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SATURDAY NIGHT ROMANCE

I often wonder about the state of the world: Not unusual, I’m going on 46 and still single, and spend a Herculean amount of time and energy trying to stay positive about life by keeping busy working full time, exercising, eating right, going to Church on Sundays, volunteering my time for a variety of worthy human causes, keeping in touch with friends and family, pursuing a variety of hobbies, (including scribbling my thoughts on paper, I might add) etc…

However, I’ve come to the conclusion that the fabric of western civilization has for all intents and purposes, come unravelled. It’s virtually impossible to get a date in this town!!! I’ve tried everything: The internet, speed dating, hobbies, involvement with a variety of organizations etc.. Of course one doesn’t become involved in such things with the express purpose of trying to meet Miss Right: You’re NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK. ‘When you least expect it, she’ll just APPEAR in your life!!!’, say all of the wise wags that I’ve bared my soul to over the years. ‘You’re such a nice person, Peter, you’ve got a lot going for you, I’m sure some woman would just LOVE to spend the rest of her life with you’, they all say.

Well, I’m still waiting for Miss Right to APPEAR!!! All of the women I’ve tried to get close to either ‘just want to be friends’, or ‘I’m so busy, I hardly have time to see my friends, much less develop a relationship with a man’, or, ‘religion scares me, why do you go to Church, anyways?’ Or, ‘People who need to depend on God, instead of just talking it over with their friends just doesn’t make sense to me’., or, ‘what do you do for a living?’ Answer: ‘I’m 1) self-employed, 2) tour guide; 3) I’m a secretary at a Church Rectory. Response ‘Uhhh….. That’s nice…..(voice trails off awkwardly), or ‘what kind of education do you have?, answer: ‘I have a B.A. in Canadian Studies’. Response: ‘Uhhhhhh….. What’s that?’ or ‘What can you do with that?’ Ho Hum to that!!!

The proverbial Hollywood ‘date movie’ has even gone out of fashion: There are ‘Romantic Comedies’, OK, I’ll admit. But try and find somebody who actually has the time and inclination to come over to your house and sit on the couch with you and actually WATCH one!!! (So far I’ve rented a whole schwack of Meg Ryan movies at Videotron, and have watched them ALONE: Including ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, ‘Kate and Leopold’, and the list goes on.)

The rest of the crap there are ‘Suspense Thrillers’, with psychopathic monsters preying on innocent people, mostly women, ‘Horror’ movies, with a variety of diabolically mad people slicing and dicing mostly women and children to pieces, along with some men. There’s ‘action’ movies with explosions and bodies flying all over the place at now increasingly mind-boggling computer-generated speed, ‘Children’s ‘ movies for those lucky enough to have actually met a member of the opposite sex, and copulated with them, thus producing the perfunctory one or two offspring before going their separate ways over disputes related to money, power, property and prestige. ‘Dramas’ for those who like something verging on tragi-pathos, mixed in with the occasional triumph of the human spirit, and last but not least, ‘Adult’ movies, for those who’d like to stimulate themselves in ways best left to the imagination of the reader.

In the ‘Action’ category, we increasingly see gun-toting, ball-slasher type babes in body suits/armour, with a mean streak in them, karate chopping guys in the neck, and kneeing them in the groin, as they exact retribution upon the male gender for thousands of years of patriarchal oppression. Doesn’t exactly make for a great date movie if you ask me.

What, pray tell, does society gain from any of this? Guys just want a steady job now and not kill ourselves working ourselves to death being the standard-bearer or torch-bearer of some grandiose patriotic cause, whereas women are so busy ‘breaking the glass ceiling’ in their quest for wealth and power, that they don’t have time for us anymore. Maybe once the rate of cancer of the ovaries, uterus, breasts, etc, as well as heart disease brings the life expectancy of women down to that of men, as it is quickly happening now, will they meet us somewhere in the middle, coming down from the lofty heights of power to say, ‘Hi there, would you like to go see a nice Meg Ryan movie?’

Maybe at that point I’ll actually get a date!!! Or maybe by that time I’ll be so old that the eligible bachelorettes out there will have the dubious honour of changing my Depends at the old folks home before I go to that big Meg Ryan Movie Set in the Sky. Either way, I’ve still got some spare time on my hands to try and manage the ‘try and stay positive’ department in Québec city. In the meantime I just thought I’d vent my spleen by practicing my scribbling hobby. I’m just a little boy, I like to scribble. Any little girl scribblers out there want to see a Meg Ryan movie? Just thought I’d ask. You never know.

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