JESUS GETS HIS REQUEST FOR AN INCREASE ON THE LIMIT ON HIS CREDIT CARD DENIED BY A CUSTOMER SERVICE REP AT TELEPHONE BANKING.
You know, it’s a good thing that Jesus lived over 2000 years ago. Life was a lot simpler back then. There was no internet, computers, cell phones and countless electronic gadgets, passwords, user names and security codes with your Mother’s maiden name, your favourite teacher’s name, your pet’s name and so on to make our lives so much more ‘safe’ and ‘secure’. Can you imagine if the crucifixion and resurrection had taken place in this day and age and Jesus and his Apostles were faced with navigating through the complex web of call center reps, 1-800 numbers, internet banking, and credit cards with imbedded chips with PIN numbers? I can just imagine what sort of conversation Our Lord might have with some sort of postmodern, ill-paid and possibly new-on the job CSR, earning $10.00/hr in a call center if he called the 1-800 number on the back of his credit card after the resurrection and tried to get his credit limit increased or a cash advance so as to help his friends the Apostles secure provisions for their upcoming missionary work of evangelization in the Holy Land, Asia Minor and Rome, if perchance he’d had the misfortune of having missed his payment due date, or, through no fault of his own, gone over his credit limit in the lead-up to the tragic events of his passion and eventual triumphant resurrection from the dead.
So here’s what it might sound like: ‘Thank you for calling Credit card Services, my name is Dave, how may I help you?’
JC: Hi, I’m calling because I need to raise the credit limit on my card or get a cash advance please.
Dave: Sure, I can help you with that. May I have your name please?
JC: Sure, my name is Jesus Ben David
Dave: And may I have the sixteen digit number on the front of your card please?
JC: Uh, well I kinda got into some trouble with the cops and they confiscated all my ID and didn’t give it back and well you see, well it’s a long story. You’ll here about it eventually, I’m sure.
Dave: OK, then, may I have your full mailing address please?
JC:, Uh, well I used to live with my parents, but I kinda moved out and was kinda living all over the place, crashing at my buddy’s places on the couch, y’know. Like I said, I got into trouble with the cops, got arrested, went to jail, a whole pile of other stuff you probably wouldn’t believe if I told you, so let’s not go there, OK?
Dave: So, Mr. Ben David, are you telling me that you currently have no fixed address?
JC: Uh, that’s correct Sir.
Dave: OK, no problem Sir, I’ll just have to ask you a few security questions to authenticate your identity. May I please have your date of birth?
JC: Uh, that’s kind of a toughie; I think that eventually time is supposed to be measured according to when after I was born or something, so I guess I was born in the year zero.
Dave: (Silence….) Uh, excuse me Sir? Are you kidding me? What do you think? That the universe revolves around you or something? I mean who do you think you are anyways? Like GOD or something? What have you been smoking? OK look, I’ll have to ask you another security question.
JC: OK go ahead.
Dave: What are the last three digits of your Social Insurance Number?
JC: (Trying to think….) Uh, I don’t remember, I got all my ID confiscated when I got arrested and the cops, like, never gave any of it back to me and I’ve been away someplace for like three days and I can’t remember a thing and oh never mind…
Dave: OK Sir I’ll have to ask you another couple of security questions.
JC: OK go ahead.
Dave: In what town were you born?
Dave: OK, very good… What is the name of your best friend?
Dave: Very good, OK so I’ve managed to authenticate your identity Mr. Ben David. So, how may I help you today?
JC: Well you see, my 12 buddies are going on this like, major road trip and well actually 11 buddies, like one of them, like offed himself a few days ago, long story, it kinda relates to the reason why I’m calling today, anyways, never mind. My buddies are going on this major road trip and they need some cash to buy supplies like food and to pay their hotel rooms and so on while they’re on the road, so like I was wondering if you could increase my credit limit and give me a $1000 cash advance?
Dave: Uh, let me look at your account Mr. Ben David and I’ll be right back. Can I just put you on a brief hold while I look into this for you Sir?
JC: Sure, take your time.
Dave: (after 5 minutes on hold…) Uh, Mr. Ben David? Are you still there? Thank you for holding, sorry to keep you waiting. Unfortunately I can’t authorize any cash advance on your account today.
JC: OK, why is that?
Dave: Well Sir, I see in my system that your account is overdue and that you are over the limit on your credit by several hundred dollars.
JC: Well Sir, I can explain that. You see, like I said before, I got into some trouble with the law and had to go into hiding for several months and so wasn’t earning any income at my teaching job or carpentry job so I kinda fell behind in my payments because I was ineligible for EI so I didn’t have an income so I couldn’t make the minimum payment on my card and I was late two months in a row. I’m really sorry.
Dave: I totally understand Mr. Ben David, I sympathize with your predicament, but unfortunately, you’re going to have to figure out a way to make a payment on your card soon because your account is now locked, you won’t be able to even use your card at any merchant.
JC: OK, but like I said, I was kinda away, like really far away on a really long trip for like three days, it was really brutal, it was like going to Hell and back, but I mean I came through it and now I need some dinero to send out my buddies on an important road trip, I mean, can’t you make an exception or anything in my case?
Dave: I’m really sorry Mr. Ben David; you’re going to have to make a payment on your card before we can unblock it so that you can use it again.
JC: OK fine, I’ll figure something else out. I’m pretty good at making the most of a bad situation.
Dave: OK, Mr. Ben David, is there anything else I can help you with today?
JC: No thanks, that’s it.
Dave: Well thank you for calling Credit card Services and have a nice day.
JC: You too, ‘Bye. (Hangs up. really frustrated.then turns around and calls out: Ma!!! Ma!!!
Mary: What is it? Jesus! Is that you? You scared the living daylights out of me! I thought you were dead! What happened!
JC: Never mind, Ma, it’s a long story. Look Ma, I’ve got a problem, I need your help.
Mary: Let me guess, you’re broke again and you want to borrow some more money, right?
JC: Well actually…
Mary: Oy, vey!!! What did I do to deserve this! You have kids, you try and raise them properly, you work like a slave to send them to school, then look what happens, they get mixed up in all this schlock against the government!!! Then they get arrested, thrown in jail, crucified, executed, and now three days later you’re coming back and you want to move back in with your Father and me? Jesus, you’re 33 years old now, it’s time to grow up and get a life! You can’t keep on always with this ‘my Heavenly Father wants this’ and my ‘Heavenly Father wants that’. What about what I want? I want you to stop coming to see me every couple of months because you and that silly group of friends of yours got into trouble again with the police for speaking against the government then you come again and ask me for more money to bail you out?!
JC But Ma, you don’t understand….
Mary: Sure I understand, you don’t want to work to earn a living!! You’re lazy. You want some food and drink for your buddies for their ‘road trip’, why don’t you do that diddly doodly thing you did at the wedding feast at Cana a while back with the wine? That was brillant. Everybody had so much wine they all got smashed out of their brains and everybody had a great time!!!
JC: But Ma, I can’t just go around, performing miracles, turning water into wine, every time my buddies need supplies.
Mary: Why not? I mean you did a great trick with the loaves and the fish with that huge crowd of over 5000 people a while back, remember? There were lots of leftovers from that one!!!
JC: But Ma!!!!…
Mary: never mind, ‘But Ma’, go out and earn an honourable living like everybody else!!! You’re a disgrace to your Father and me!!! I mean what are the neighbours going to think?
JC: OK Ma I’ll try and do my best.
Mary: Don’t just ‘Try’, just ‘do it’, for God’s sake!!!
JC: But Ma, I AM Go…
Mary: Yes you ARE GOing to bed!!! Now stop whining and go upstairs and get a good night’s sleep!!
JC: OK Ma.
Mary: And don’t forget to turn out the light in the hall as you go up, OK?
JC: yes, Ma.
Mary: And say your prayers before you go to bed young man!!
JC: But Ma.. Oh never mind… Good night Ma…
Mary: Good night son… I love you…
JC: I love you too, Ma…..